Hidden Resentments
Baby Girl,
Today was an absolute joy watching you care for your aunt with such kindness, gentleness, and patience. You asked Me a question before you went to pick her up. I didn’t answer right away because you weren’t ready.
You asked Me why you feel such internal conflict when you consider reaching out or offering to help your aunt or other family members in need. You were concerned that, somewhere deep inside, you had hidden resentments which had not been effectively resolved.
It shows spiritual maturity that you wrestled with and asked Me about that conflict rather than shoving it down and plowing forward in service like you used to.
Remember when I talked to you about uncomfortable feelings being like warning signals on your dashboard? Those lights indicate the presence of darkness and let you know there is something that needs to be addressed.
There are several reasons you experience internal conflict when you consider reaching out or offering to help family members in need. Each reason involves wrong thinking.
You’ve felt verbally abused by multiple family members you have helped over the years. Part of your hesitation is because of your past experiences. Your hesitation is not from resentment as you assume but from a place of self-protection.
Over the years, you have misused My Word to justify tolerating abuse and failing to have boundaries as being Christ-like. That was wrong thinking.
It is important to maintain emotionally healthy boundaries while helping people so that those you help today will not cause you to say no to those I ask you to help tomorrow. I encourage you to read in the gospels about the life and ministry of Jesus. He provided EXCELLENT examples of how to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
For instance, He required people to say exactly what they wanted rather than guessing what they wanted and giving to them in ways that were unhelpful and unwelcome.
You have often frustrated the people you sought to help by doing what you thought they needed rather than simply what they asked for. Their frustration with what you gave them left you feeling resentful that they didn’t appreciate your sacrifice of time, energy, and resources. You thought you were going the extra mile. From their perspective, you were not respecting their boundaries.
If you don’t want to experience those icky feelings in the future, express your desire to help but only help in ways you are specifically asked to help, nothing more and, when it is within your power to do so, nothing less.
You have internal hesitation for the exact reason you’re experiencing right now. You planned to spend your evening with your husband tonight but, at 8:15 PM, you’re just now heading home.
When you agreed to take her to a 12:15 PM appointment, you had an expectation that you would be home by 4:00 PM. One thing led to another and, because you think you’re “wonder woman,” you tried to accomplish everything she mentioned she wanted to do. It didn’t all have to be done today.
You didn’t have to agree to go to dinner with her when you knew you wanted to have dinner with your family. You could have arranged for another day to put her Christmas lights up, order the TV cord she’s lived three years without, and solve the problem with her neighbor hearing her music.
You feel guilty for how much time you let go between visits, so you try to make up for it when you finally see her, reinforcing the fear that you’ll do more than you planned to, and ensuring you’ll have that hesitation the next time you consider reaching out again.
Guilt is a wrong motive, which leads to wrong thoughts, which lead to wrong decisions. Take guilt out of the equation. It’s not helpful.
Reach out because you LOVE her. When you offer to help, keep boundaries, ensuring you will help only in the ways you are asked, and only within the time and resources you have committed in your heart to give.
Does that answer your question? Keep the questions coming. You’re maturing. Asking questions is an essential part of the process.
LOVE you,
Daddy
Hebrews 12:14-15
