Your Testimony
Baby Girl,
Tell Me a story.
What kind of story?
Tell Me a story about your faithfulness.
Faithful = remaining loyal and steadfastLoyal = giving or showing a constant support or allegiance
Allegiance = loyalty or commitment of a subordinate to a superior
Subordinate = lower in rank or position
Steadfast = dutifully firm and unwavering
I asked you to tell Me a story about your faithfulness and you went on a rabbit trail of definitions beginning with the word “faithful,” and now you’re sitting silently at your computer in tears. Tell Me about that.
I can’t.
You can’t what?
I can’t tell you a story about my faithfulness.
Why?
Because I’m not. After all this time and all You’ve done for me, I’m still not faithful. I want to be.
Am I Faithful?
Yes.
When have I been unfaithful?
Never. You have always been Faithful.
Little One, you’re made in My image. If I’m Faithful, wouldn’t it go to reason that you are Faithful, too?
Tears.
Let’s start with an easier topic. Tell Me about MY Faithfulness to you in your life.
I don’t even know where to begin.
Start at the beginning.
You gave me loving Christian parents who did their best to raise me…
I’m sorry to interrupt you, but I wanted you to start at the beginning.
You created me. You knit me together in my mother’s womb. You could have created me with physical or mental deformities, but…
No, no, no. If you had what the world calls a “deformity,” that would not be an example of Me being unfaithful. That would simply be My Sovereignty and plan for your life, and that plan doesn’t need to make sense to your natural mind in order to make Me Faithful.
I asked you to start telling Me about My Faithfulness in your life and I asked you to start at the beginning.
I’m trying.
Try harder.
My life began at conception. So, You faithfully let my parents fall in love and…
Don’t say it. You don’t need to entertain the idea of what your parents had to do to make you. I know - it’s gross to think about your parents doing… that.
There you go. Dry the tears up and laugh with Me. We can have a sense of humor about these things.
Now, let’s start over. Tell Me about My Faithfulness in your life… from the beginning.
Go ahead, use My Word.
“The earth was without form and void, and darkness was on the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters…”
Yes. That’s where it all started. Tell Me about how it all happened…
Day six: Then God said, “Let US make man in Our image, according to Our likeness. Let them have dominion over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth. So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.”
You went to bed asking Me to help you write your testimony. Start at the beginning.
How are you supposed to start your testimony? Let’s hear it…
My name is Donna Sanchez. I’m a faithful believer in Jesus Christ…
Stop there.
You said you’re not faithful. You’re going to start your WHOLE testimony with a lie?
I’m so confused.
I asked you to tell Me about your faithfulness and, in tears, you confided in Me that you are NOT faithful. Now, you’re telling Me that you’re going to start your whole testimony with what you, by your own admission, called a lie?
That’s how they all start.
Is everyone else lying?
I’m glad you’re laughing. You know that there is NO condemnation when you are in Christ. When I asked you about your faithfulness, you didn’t want to answer because when you are answering to Me, the One who knows you inside and outside, you have no desire to make yourself look better than you really are. That’s good. I want you to approach ALL of humanity with that level of humility.
You have not been faithful, despite being made in the perfect image of a Faithful Creator. That’s because of the fall of mankind and the introduction of sin in the Garden of Eden in Genesis 3.
As you know, the story of humanity just gets messier and messier from there until present. The Bible is a LOVE story, from cover to cover, of a Faithful God LOVING a completely unfaithful people.
They want to hear about your mess because messy people relate best to messy people. Tell them about your messiness but don’t belabor, glorify or embellish it. Bullet points.
That was a long pause. You’ve got to get back to bed soon. What are you waiting for?
I’ve only got 20 minutes.
How are we doing on time? Time yourself at this point, and see where you’re at.
5 minutes and 57 seconds.
I’m glad you didn’t read it quickly just to get it over with. That part was important. When they tell their story, it’s important for them to have the humility to understand that their story didn’t begin because a mommy and a daddy loved each other very much or even that a man forced himself on a woman in a selfish act of cruelty resulting in an unwanted pregnancy and an unwanted and unloved baby.
There is NO. SUCH. THING. as an unLOVED baby. There IS such a thing as a baby whose parents did not have the capacity to love them. There IS such a thing as a baby who was born with deformities due to natural causes, generational sin, or parental ignorance; but there is NO SUCH THING as an unLOVED baby.
Every baby, from the moment of conception, was born first in MY heart and is dearly LOVED by Me. I LOVE all of My creation!
I’ve heard your testimony as you have told it HUNDREDS of times and it has changed a lot over the past six years you have spent in recovery. Yes, it’s been six years in February.
How you talk about your life has changed drastically. In the beginning, you told of a life that happened TO you. Over time, you have taken ownership of that life and it has become less about what happened TO you and more about what I have brought you through.
What is that verse that just came to mind? Share that…
Isaiah 43:2 “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you; when you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you.”
Did this recovery program save you from your past?
No.
Did this program and the 12-step process free you from all that bound you?
No.
Are you free?
Yes.
What happened?
I finally understood the truth in John 8:36: “Therefore, if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.”
I spent the first four years in recovery FEVERISHLY working the program, attending open share groups, and pouring my heart out to an audience who thanked me for sharing. I attended and facilitated six step studies.
I went through my fourth step, made my amends, tried to forgive people who had hurt me, and tried to live in the twelfth step, serving and paying it forward; but, I still struggled with a confused, conflicted, resentful mind. I was still on mental health medicine, struggling with body image issues, and vacillating between feeling okay about myself and hating myself.
I TRIED hard to live up to the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22. I TRIED to be LOVE, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self-control; but, no matter how hard I TRIED to be a “good Christian,” no matter how hard I TRIED to faithfully avoid messing up, I failed, over and over and over.
How long has it been? You only have 20 minutes.
9 minutes and 23 seconds.
Are you done trying so hard to live up to the fruit of the Spirit?
Yes.
So, you’re not even going to TRY to be faithfulness?!
There’s that beautiful smile!
Go ahead, answer the question. You’re not even going to TRY to be faithfulness?
No. I don’t even need to TRY.
Why not?
Because that’s WHO I am.
HOLD. THE. PHONE! Not literally… leave the phone lying right where it is.
We are TEN MINUTES into this conversation and YOU are telling Me that YOU LIED about NOT BEING FAITHFUL.
I’m so glad you think this is funny, Little One. Don’t you know that LYING is a SIN?!
Don’t worry - I’m laughing, too.
So, how are we going to start this testimony?
My name is Donna Sanchez. I am a faithful believer in Jesus Christ.
Is that true?
Yes.
Go on…
I’m in recovery for…
Are you? Are you really?
No… (chuckling). No, I’m not in recovery.
I am celebrating VICTORY over the enemy in the areas of food addiction, codependency, repressed feelings, low self-worth, a broken marriage, and what was previously diagnosed and medically treated as bipolar 1.
Why do you say it that way?
Because while I know that there was a chemical issue in my brain that was diagnosed and medically treated as bipolar one, I discovered that the root of my struggle wasn’t in the chemical issues in my brain but the spiritual roots that led to my mental illness. I had to dig deep down to identify all the lies I believed and agreed with and pull each lie out by the root.
Satan is called the “father of lies,” so I know that anything he had me convinced of according to John 10:10 was with the intention of stealing from me, killing my testimony, and destroying my chance at the good life You had planned for me. I had to renew my mind.
Tell them about that process. How did you identify the lies?
They only have a few minutes left with me.
Then be brief.
Essentially, I learned that anything I think that disagrees with what the Bible says is a lie, and I have the authority of Heaven backing me when I correct that lie and tell the enemy to leave me alone.
I learned to LOVE the Bible because that is where I am learning to discern between Your thoughts, my thoughts, and the enemy’s thoughts.
What is your litmus test? How do you test a thought to see if it agrees with the Bible? The Bible is a BIG book. Do they need to know it all?
I would say if they know these three passages, they can filter through more than 90% of their thoughts and accurately decide if that thought came from You or not:
1) John 8:36 says that if the Son sets you free, you ARE free. Not “you will be…” - you ARE.
So, if I have a thought that makes me believe that I am in bondage to anything or anyone, OUT LOUD, I remind the enemy that he is DEFEATED, Jesus already won the victory in my life, and I’m FREE.
The only thing the enemy has the authority to do is make a suggestion, and I REFUSE to give him that authority in my life.
Last night, you were entertaining thoughts that disagreed with that…
You’re right. I was. He still gets me sometimes.
I’m so glad to know that he is a defeated foe and that all I have to do is stand in the victory Jesus bought for me. I’m sorry for entertaining those thoughts as long as I did. I know Your yoke is easy and Your burden is light, and it’s my OWN thinking that gets me in trouble. I know that someday, as I continue renewing my mind to agree with You, I will struggle with those ways of wrong thinking less and less.
That’s right. Okay, so if it disagrees with the fact that you’re free, you cast it down. What else?
2) Galatians 5:22.
When I accepted the price Jesus paid on the cross for that freedom, I’m told that your Holy Spirit came to live in me and I’m made new.
When I was made new, my new character is LOVE, joy, peace, patience, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
So, if I have a thought that disagrees with any of those character traits, I correct the thought and tell that spirit to leave.
You got into a messy situation when you stopped agreeing with character defects. Tell Me about that.
It made it hard for me to speak publicly at these recovery meetings because I could not, in good conscience, use the words we are SUPPOSED to use to teach these lessons as they are written. Anytime I used the words or even HEARD the words “character defects” used in describing a born-again Christian, it was like someone with long nails dragging them on the chalkboard. It’s a lie.
As a born-again Christian, I no longer have ANY defect in my character.
You started this conversation out by telling Me you’re not faithful. Unfaithfulness is a character defect, right?
No.
Unfaithfulness is a sin, and I still sin and I still need to repent, but there is nothing DEFECTIVE about who I am in Christ.
Recovery terminology has been hard for me this year because now that I understand that as a NEW creature in Christ, there are NO character defects in me, I have a hard time listening to people talking about THEIR character defects.
This is a Christian program, which means we ALL have YOUR Spirit living in us, which means that we all have YOUR character. We don’t have character defects.
When we default to our natural thinking, we make decisions that disagree with who we are - and You call that sin. I don’t have a character defect of anger. When I get mad at my girls for not doing what I asked them to do, it’s not because I’M defective, it’s because I’m acting IN OPPOSITION to who I am in Christ. In Christ, I AM peace, I’m not anger. So, the spirit of anger gave me a thought, I took it, and I acted on it. That is sin.
My problem is NOT that I’m defective, and it’s not even that I’m ignorant, because I KNOW right from wrong. My problem is that I am REBELLIOUS and HUMAN and I don’t always behave from my Divine nature. I often give into emotions and behave in opposition to my Divine nature.
What did I tell you about emotions?
That YOU created them. That they aren’t bad but they can be an indicator that the powers of darkness are PRESENT.
You told me to pay attention to my emotions like I would the lights on the dashboard in my car. When an emotion comes up that disagrees with the fruit of the spirit, I am to bring it to You and ask YOU what to do with it. I certainly make a lot less messes in my life when I do things that way.
Okay. So, if your thought disagrees with your freedom or your Divine character, you cast it down. What is your third criteria?
3) Philippians 4:8-9: Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things. The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.
If what I’m thinking about disagrees with what Philippians 4:8 tells me to think about, I correct myself.
Philippians 4:9 says that as you do these things, the God of peace will be with you. Have you found that to be true?
ABSOLUTELY.
My life is characterized by peace that is BEYOND anything I could have imagined, joy that is not dependent on ANYTHING going on around me, and I have NOTHING but hope for the future because I KNOW that You’re already in it.
How long has it been?
17 minutes and 32 seconds.
That’s enough. What is one of your new favorite life verses?
Revelations 12:11: “And they overcame him (the enemy) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.”
Baby, they don’t need to hear all that mindless drivel from your soulish past. They don’t need to know everything you thought and felt and experienced. They don’t need to hear about the 21 years you begged Me for a divorce because you were self-centered and prideful…
My words, not yours. Did you have a better way of saying it?
No. That’s accurate.
They don’t need to hear about the 33 years you lived with a disordered relationship with food, your body and the scale… your struggle with anorexia, bulimia, binge-eating disorder, and body dysmorphia because you were just living in willful disobedience to My leading in your life, and all of that was just the consequence of your rebellion. Is that accurate?
Yep.
Talking about Zander, your full-term stillborn son, your refusal to grieve, and the consequences of that would just paint you as the victim of a God who let’s bad things happen to good people.
It’s not like that.
What do you mean?
I mean, I’ve never said that I’m a victim of that loss.
I believe You had a plan for his life and that it was nine months with me and then he would return to Heaven. I don’t think You “did that to me” or that You were unfair in allowing that to happen.
You talk about failing to grieve properly. How are you supposed to grieve?
I was wrong.
1 Thessalonians 4:13: “But I do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning those who have fallen asleep, lest you sorrow as others who have no hope.”
You were very intentional to speak of My faithfulness, My Trustworthiness, and My Sovereignty.
Thirteen years after the fact, you were told that you had not gone through that season properly and allowed yourself to grieve, and that you needed to go back in time, feel those feelings, and grieve the loss so you could move on. How did that go?
I went to the cemetery and walked around, WILLING myself to FEEL the emotions of that loss. I could hardly do it. Finally, I imagined all those things happening to one of my daughters and I MADE myself feel all sorts of horrible things and think all sorts of horrible thoughts and accuse You of all sorts of imperfections.
I REFUSE to entertain emotions that disagree with what Your Word has to say anymore. I REFUSE to get caught up in the spin cycle of human thinking about natural circumstances of life. That way of thinking ROBS ME of joy.
Loss isn’t a happy thing, it’s hard; but that doesn’t mean I need to GIVE AWAY my hope and joy to allow myself to wallow in self-pity.
That’s harsh. Is it wrong of people to be stuck in grief?
No, it’s NATURAL. I have two minds in me: in my spirit, I have the mind of Christ; I also have a natural mind.
My job here on earth is to bring my NATURAL mind into agreement with the mind of CHRIST in my spirit. I can’t do that if I spend time entertaining things that I don’t fully understand. I don’t fully understand why You allow illness and death, but You do. It’s a fact of life.
I’m not going to spend the precious time You give me railing up against reality. If someone dies, that is a new reality in my life. I will NATURALLY feel a sense of loss, but I refuse to get lost in thinking about what COULD have been or REGRETTING what was.
I have a feeling we’re going over 20 minutes and we could keep going forever.
Print this conversation. Read it as your testimony. Remember it for yourself.
You’re on a good path… keep walking with Me.
LOVE you Little One,
Daddy
2 Timothy 2:13
